Until Morning

Goodnight, my blog.

It's time to retire you.

Thanks for all the bittersweet memories, love.

Goodbye~

XOXO,

Mayumi

Rooftops & Invitations

The first time you looked at her curves you were hooked
And the glances you took, took hold of you and demanded that you stay
And sunk in their teeth, bit your heart and released
Such a charge that you need another touch, another taste, another fix

She just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
If she gets you when she gets you any closer

She leads you up, points out skylines and stars, steeple chases in bars
And took your keys and demanded that you stay
The city longs well for rooftops and invitations
All lace in secret places, she moves you to touch with her hands

And she just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
If she gets you when she gets you any closer

Under the cold sheet, where the welcomed touch of skin and skin will meet
Out on the inside where a girls prize is at the tip of your tongue
Where every move and each impulse brings clarity
To stay like this is everything you'll ever need

She just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
But she gets you any closer

Can you believe your eyes

-Dashboard Confessional

stolen

kawawa naman ang aking mga tuhod
nanghihina sa kada bigkas mo ng mga mapanlayang mga salita

kawawa naman ang utak ko
naging sabaw na sa kaiisip sa iyo

ngunit ang puso, nagpapakasaya !
pinangangalandakan ang banayad at wagas na pagsint´a

ng siyang nagtangkang nakawin ang puso't nagwagi.

tic-a-toc

inaakit ako ng orasan.

ang alok niya:

intayin ko raw siya.

ang banat ko:

bilisan niya.

ang hamon niya:

be patient.

ang sagot ko:

.... .

tama nga ang orasan.
kumbaga, ang kanyang kilos at takbo sa lumilipas na panahon,
kalakip na rin sa paglipol ng mga nagdaang alaala.
katuwang niya ang paghimlay ng mga saloobing di kanais nais;
mga bahid ng kahapong kailangan nang pahingahin.

ang mumunting orasan,
umuusad patungo sa tamang direksyon ng buhay...
sa tamang pagwawaksi ng panahon na Diyos lamang
ang may say kung kailan darating ang panahong
pinakainaasam asam mong mahagkan.

Ako'y sa Iyo at Ika'y sa Akin

Araw ko'y papanglaw
Kung di ka matatanaw
Khit saglit manlang
Ika'y masilayan

Sayo nga'y naghihintay 
Sa pag ibig mo hihimlay
Diyo's ang siyang pinagmulan
Ating pagmamahalan

Kahit pa magtatagal
Ako'y maghihintay
Kahit ulitin pang muli
Ang panahon n nagdaan

Hindi ako magpapagal
Di malulumbay
Aking tutunghayan
Ang bawat oras man
Alam ng may kapal

Puso'y wag mangangamba
pagkat wala na ngang iba
Mata ko'y nakapako na
sayo lamang aking sinta

At nais kong malaman m
Hindi ako mahihiya
Ipagsigawan sa mundo
Mahal na mahal kita.

"But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me."

-Pablo Neruda

even poets do laundry

Even poets do the laundry
Wash the dishes in the kitchen sink
Even poets are enslaved
to the schematic daily routine
Even poets do the laundry
But meanwhile they dream
Of someone else's pain
and of their own suffering.
Even poets do the laundry
From their own colorful thoughts
Picking words from the scattered pile
and assembling sentences line by line.

bagong buhay

nasilaw sa iyong anino
di nararapat na ika'y masilayan

at sa pagdapo ng iyong mga labi
sa aking makinis na balikat
at ang kanyang pansamantalang pagtigil roon

buntong hininga
sabay pikit -

dinala ako roon
sa lugar na pinakatagu-tago sa lahat

buong buhay kitang hinihintay
inaasam na mawari't makilatis
ibiging himayi't pupulutin ang mga butil
ng iyong sibulan ng pag-ibig

lisanin natin ang buhay ngayon
humarap sa buong pagsikat ng araw
mainit at masarap ang silat-kamay ng Diyos
tayo'y pinapatawa Niyang pilit pinasasaya.

ako'y iyong tuklasin
sa pamamagitan lamang ng isang malalim na tingin
at kahit sabaw na ang ating mga utak
pagsinta'y walang kakupas-kupas,
mahal q.

jeff buckley

Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water


Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know


Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run


Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...


So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.


Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over,
all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter...
It's never over,
She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever...


But maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...


Yes, and I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love, well I'll wait for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.

Kung Ibig Mo Akong Makilala

Kung ibig mo akong makilala,
Lampasan mo ang guhit ng mahugis na balat,
Ang titig kong dagat—

Yumayapos nang mahigpit sa bawat saglit
Ng kahapon ko't bukas.

 Kung ibig mo akong makilala
Sunduin mo ako sa himlayang dilim
At sa madlang pagsukol ng inunang hilahil,
Ibangon ako at saka palayain.

Isang pag-ibig na lipos ng lingap,
Tahanang malaya sa pangamba at sumbat
May suhay ng tuwa't ang kaluwalhatia'y

Walang takda—
Ialay mo lahat ito sa akin

Kung mahal mo ako't ibig kilalanin.
Kung ibig mo akong kilalanin,
Sisirin mo ako hanggang buto,
Liparin mo ako hanggang utak,
Umilanlang ka hanggang kaluluwa—
Hubad ako roon: mula ulo hanggang paa.

-RES Mabanglo

romans 6: 12-18

nibble

just waiting for a bite
cast off into the ocean
a piece of my heart

you give me back your ear
to nibble nibble on

you feast on my mind like it's life's last banquet

deep into the depths of the ocean i go
never to be found again

our own paradise
in still slow motion.

the keys to my heart :)

When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall
In love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give
My heart

And the moment
I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

For the Holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you should say.

Back to Him

i turn to the light   ---

the light flickers

inside my brain

i am taken back

where the black hole of my insanity

reverberates into my consciousness

i swim out from underneath the weight of you


cut ---

to my dream.

you let go of my hand

in slow motion

as your smile got wider

the hole in my heart got bigger

and i could not breathe all of a sudden



cut ---

it was all a show

and i was on stage unknowing of the reality

that lay in front of me

i was blinking back at the audience

who inadvertently gasped when

my wedding dress cut to shreds

till i was naked

and bleeding from that hole


cut ---

two months later

i am holding this wildflower

windswept and pretty

different


i turn to the east

squinting at the morning sun

i talk to God.

He asks, "My child, what do you know of promises?"

I say, "God, I only know that they can easily be broken by man."

"Daughter, what about my promise to you?"(Jeremiah 29: 11-13)

"You're different God, I only look to you and will live in your promise, in Your never-ending love. I look to the east, and you are smiling down on me. I find my back against the wall, and you are there to save me. I am distraught, and one touch, you comfort me. I cannot afford to walk away from you, God. Thank you for being my true rock."

Kariktan

oo. hinahangad kita.
sa halimuyak ng iyong nagbabagang hininga
sa kinis ng iyong mukha at matamis na pagngiti
hindi ikinukubli ang pusong nagdaramdam
at walang alintana sa pagsunod at pagkilos ng aking pag-alab sapagkat
natahan na rin ako sa pananayang ng mga luha
wala nang iniisip kundi ikaw sa gabi
di na nagiiba ang mga paniginip
ikaw lamang ang hinahangad na makamtan habang buhay
na pagtitiis at pag-alay ng nagsisiklab na damdamin na
sa iyo rin lang naman mapupunta
sa iyo na ito

aawitan kita, isasayaw kita, mamumukod-tangi ang ating istorya
sa mundo isisiwalat at isisigaw ang ating mumunting pag-iibigan
na siya lamang mamumulaklak sa pagdaan ng tag-ulan at tag-araw
sa ating pagtanda at paglaki, sa ating pag-uunawa at paglalambingan
kislap na sa iyong mga mata,
tunay na kasiyahan ang nadarama sa tuwing
napapatingin ako sa iyo
nasisilayan ko ang aking sariling
banayad at tahimik

at kung makakaharap natin ang kalungkutan
nais kong mapasa-iyo ang mensaheng
malalagpasan din natin ito
ang lahat ng nararamdaman
ay pansamantala lamang
nariyan ang Diyos
upang tayo'y gabayan (Genesis 24)

itinataas sa Kanya lahat.

At pag tayo'y matanda na,
lilingunin natin ang ating nakaraan
kung bakit nga pala ambilis ng panahon
wala man akong ipapalit sa mga okasyon at alaala sa ating mabibilis na buhay
kumpleto na ang lahat at pwede na tayong mamatay.


naaalala ko pa ang unang beses na ika'y nasilayan ko;
sa bayan...naglalakad sa takipsilim may hawak na Coke...

twenty cents

dear safeway cashier,

thank you for making my day more meaningful. what you do - asking each person if they would like to donate 20 cents towards breast cancer research - is inspiring and humbling. it made me jump out of my skin and appreciate the small things in life.

myu

pano pa kaya sa hatian ng last piece ng liempo

• let it past na lang..
• kasi ur excited to make babies with him in the future..LOL

There is no such thing as a life without any regrets.

languish

my lips
yearn to kiss you
ever so softly

just brush
cheek resting
no hesitance
just to love

whoever you are

bka

life can be traumatic baby
keep your head still
take a deep breathe
i'll get you a pill

and when the pain is too much to bear
forever loss can never compare
lemme wipe your tears
no need to choke
run my hands through your hair
there still is hope

get better love...

wow so awesome :)

2nd reading
Rv 12:7-12ab

War broke out in heaven;
Michael and his angels battled against the dragon.
The dragon and its angels fought back,
but they did not prevail
and there was no longer any place for them in heaven.
The huge dragon, the ancient serpent,
who is called the Devil and Satan,
who deceived the whole world,
was thrown down to earth,
and its angels were thrown down with it.

Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
"Now have salvation and power come,
and the Kingdom of our God
and the authority of his Anointed.
For the accuser of our brothers is cast out,
who accuses them before our God day and night.
They conquered him by the Blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
love for life did not deter them from death.
Therefore, rejoice, you heavens,

and you who dwell in them."

Gospel Jn 1:47-51

Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward him and said of him,
"Here is a true child of Israel.
There is no duplicity in him."
Nathanael said to him, "How do you know me?"
Jesus answered and said to him,
"Before Philip called you, I saw you under the fig tree."
Nathanael answered him,
"Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the King of Israel."
Jesus answered and said to him,
"Do you believe
because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree?
You will see greater things than this."
And he said to him, "Amen, amen, I say to you,
you will see heaven opened
and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man."

maybe an epiphany

even though you think he made a mistake you need to verbally acknowledge ur behind him 100%.

so he knows its the both of u against the world first and foremost and that you'd get thru ur problems with each other and with others, together.

you live and learn. ;)

dear god,

i give to you my heart. please mend it.

i give to you my brain, please renew it and make it pure.

i give to you my soul, keep me.

shield me with Your love

amen

unconditional love

what is martyrdom vs unconditional love, o god? giving your life for another, is it not the same?

maybe one day god, yes?

show me your words lord

at twenty eight

All my delight is in you Lord.
May your will be done for me.
Let me know when I am wrong.
I do not want to be set in my ways.
Although I do not want to regret not having tried my best,
it's all up to You.

Amen~


I had a patient who had 2 weeks left to live.

I made a commitment to God to make the best use of my life.

I love you God~

s/s heartbreak (graphic)

-intermittent diarrhea
-loss of appetite
-anhedonia
-flight of ideas
-loss of control
-sadness
-inability to cope
-inability to concentrate, focus, study

put it in gods hands

if u love him youd go thru the fire

when he said, "will you marry me...?"

it meant heart strings attached to you and him primarily, only

no heart strings from u to his parents or your parents


all parents want is a great ROI

they will judge on how u take care of him as wife and yours will judge on how he provides for u as husband

-marcia

**i love you marcia. thanks for making me laugh always.

jeremiah 29 11-13

take my woes and keep in me your promise o god amen

lord help me get thru today. mag isa lang ako today. nahihirapan na po ako

Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it so that the other half may reach you.

prayer

Jesus,

you are calling me to prayer.

i love you for being my God.
I cannot fathom the grace and mercy that you bestow upon us
your indomitable power is nothing that i can wrap my head around
there is no one else for me but You.

i will center my life around you and to only bring You praise.
i will cease all cursing, all daydreaming, all hurt
for You, my God.

we pray about healing too much without any action
no understanding, words without meaning.
without anyone to heal with, self-healing must suffice
"moving on from everything," isn't meant to throw me away

when you close my door o God, you open me a window
and for that I cannot give you enough love and praise for that
lord

in the time of my need, you are there to save me my God

you put out the fire to my anger
you make my heart still with peace
with the Holy Spirit

and with that I am at awe and forever amazed by You.

Amen

marriage retreat

of all the movies i choose to watch on netflix, i ended up with marriage retreat. great message, though acting left much to be desired. i understood every concept in the movie and even guessed what would happen in a majority of the scenes.

i realize my own failures, i have. but it was never enough because he could not realize his. (why do i feel an impending sense of de ja vu?)

it may be bold and possibly foolish to say this, but truth be told: i was let down by the guy who was to be my husband.

swallowing defeat will never be easy. i need to take life one day at a time... to blossom again in God's love...His never ending unceasing love that pulsates through my core.

i believe that one day, my life will accelerate at full speed. everything will fall into place with His mercy and kindness.

i only want Your love oh Lord, i only want to be obedient to my parents and to You now. i love you God...amen

at night before bed
i look at a picture
of you pumping gas
nonchalantly

i wonder
how i could love someone so much more
than his dwindling love for me

-healing-

what love really means?

He cries in the corner where nobody sees

He’s the kid with the story no one would believe

He prays every night “Dear God won’t you please...

Could you send someone here who will love me?”


Who will love me for me?

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me?

‘Cause nobody has shown me what love

What love really means, what love really means



Her office is shrinking a little each day

She’s the woman whose husband has run away

She’ll go to the gym after working today

Maybe if she was thinner then he would’ve stayed

And she says…



Who'll love me for me?

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me?

‘Cause nobody has shown me what love

What love really means what love really means



He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone

He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done

He utters a cry from the depths of his soul

“Oh Lord, forgive me. I wanna go home”



Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said “I know you’ve murdered

And I know you’ve lied

And I've watched you suffer all of your life

And now that you'll listen I'll tell you that I...”



I will love you for you

Not for what you have done or what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love, the love that you never knew



Love you for you

Not for what you have done or what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love, the love that you never knew


-jj heller


***i loved him for what he was but he let my parents get to him. he couldn't get over it and demanded that i do something. i had a plan - to marry him, just the both of us - but he didn't want that.***

foreignonimities

its not a matter of undoing, but a matter of cutting through and breaking apart and finding new skin a new body a new me, but can never be new again, it was never mine to begin with and my body feels foreign, unknown and not mine. when you choose to give it up, there's no going back. unless you can give it up multiple times until you turn to dust.

i dont know where to start i dont know what to do i don't know what to think or feel or focus on. so i will just default to: +, a longer cross.

i will never be the same. i will always be different. i will be alone.

*

home now. revelry and banter was good while it lasted. :)

off to lala land, blog.
see u on the other side

(he never knows what he wants
too many wishes lost it all
waiting for it to grow back)

lalaaala....

it doesnt matter anymore

 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

yung tamang lasing lang parA masarap




hahahahhahaaaaa!

a departure from the expected

today, i wore my kimono blouse and my hair long to school. i found out also that the lady i'm having issues with at school is leaving ccbc. i'm going out for drinks and karaoke tonight. i'm writing up my resume to start in the OR, newborn nursery or clinical research. i was daydreaming earlier about giving medical marijuana to my cancer patients. haha. triaged a couple of honors students conked out already by redbull and the workload. life keeps changing. you just keep chugging along. and when you are no longer sad, you know you are growing in faith, temperance, understanding, love and patience. ...never lose hope. it will take a while, but i must focus on pushing the bad thoughts away and purging the hurt.

im not going to be the person im expected to be anymore

walking home alone is very peaceful. no rushing. cicadas in the distance. the night is still.

human

when i grow up...

It's been a long time since I came around.
It's been a long time but I'm back in town.
And this time I'm not leaving without you.

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oh
I'll give anything again to be your baby doll.
Yeah, this time I'm not leaving without you.

You said "Sit back down where you belong;
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on."
Sit back down on the couch where we
made love the first time and you said to me,
"There's something, something about this place."
Something 'bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face.
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy.
Yeah, something 'bout, baby, you and I.

It's been two years since I let you go.
I couldn't listen to a joke or rock and roll.
Your muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart.
On my birthday you sang me a Heart of Gold
with a guitar humming and no clothes.
This time I'm not leaving without you.

You said "Sit back down where you belong;
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on."
Sit back down on the couch where we
made love the first time and you said to me,
"There's something, something about this place."
Something 'bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face.
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy.
Yeah, something 'bout, baby, you and I.

You and I.
You, you and I.
I'd rather die
Without You and I.
You, you and I.
You and I.
You, You and I.
You, you and I.
You, you and I.

You said "Sit back down where you belong;
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on."
Sit back down on the couch where we
made love the first time and you said to me,
'There's something, something about this place.
Something about lonely nights and my lipstick on your face.
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy.
There's something about, baby, you and I.

You and I.
You and I.
You, you and I.
You, you and I.
You and I.
You, you and I.
You, you and I.
You, you and I.

It's been a long time since I came around.
It's been a long time but I'm back in town.
And this time I'm not leaving without you.


***brings me to my happy place. screaming at the top of my lungs, this song. 
off to go drinking.  the longer im not home, the easier i can breathe.

gary is the end of the world!

how to love

[Intro]
Cut the music up
A little louder..

[Hook]
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in a corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love
For a second you were here, now you over there
It's hard not to stare the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love, never had a love

[Verse 1]
When you is just a young’un your looks were so precious
But now your grown up, so fly its like a blessing
But you can’t have a man look at you for five seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back ten times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

[Hook]

[Verse 2]
You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault, wasn’t in your intentions
To be the one here talking to me, be the one listening
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad, nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and crooks still crook

[Hook]

[Bridge]
See I just want you to know that you deserve the best
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
Yeah, and I want you to know
You’re far from the usual, far from the usual

i love this video.
...i secretly wish he had left me pregnant with his child.

i love/d you, c. but if you cannot take different circumstances about me that are beyond my power, then God has different plans for me. when God closes a door, he opens another window. not biblically-based, but profound nonetheless~

last night

was watching this movie yesterday before breaking up with my ex. it was called "last night," and starred keira knightley, sam worthington, eva mendes and some cute french guy. keira and sam are happily married but both of them experience temptation one night they're not together. it's titillating to see their reactions, awkward silences, raw emotions and the ultimate decisions they make.

i mean, it seemed like keira and sam's life together was near perfect. but you can never say who will be loyal, truthful or genuine.

took hostage of my future life
contingent on one action
gave up in anger
threw it all away

none of it was ever real
none of it lasted
none of it will ever exist
none of it was for you

so start picking up the pieces
build that wall
bring back the anonymity
recreate yourself
bury the past
be thankful of the lesson

turn to god for direction
dont get lost in the darkness
believe in hope
run away

maningning's words

Ginugunita Kita #2

Marikit na tala ang tanglaw sa dilim,
Sa halimuyak ng matamis na hangin,
Sa gubat ng gabi ay hinihintay ko,
Mga kislap ng nilimot na pangako.

Habang may hapdi ang sugat ng kahapon,
Di maalpasan ang diwang nakakahon,
Inaawit ang kundiman ng pagsinta
Sa dalamhati ng pusong umaasa.

Ginuguni-gunita kita,
Binubuo sa alaala.
Pinapanga-pangarap ka,
Inuukit sa haraya.

Ang Naliligaw

Naliligaw ako sa paglalakbay,
Naliligaw sa kahahanap,
Naliligaw at hindi malaman
kung paano ba makabalik sa Oxford Street.

Naliligaw sa pamamasyal,
Hindi maintindihan ang mapa,
Hindi malaman kung bakit
Nandirito na naman sa Charing Cross.

Kaya umupo na lang sa Trafalgar Square,
Namulot ng balahibo ng kalapati,
Pero tinapon rin dahil mukhang marumi,
Mukhang maalikabok ang pakpak na nahuli.

Umikot na lang sa paligid,
Pinanood ang gusali,
Pinag-aralan ang kilos ng ibang turista,
Umikot at nag-isip, at naisip kita.

Naisip kita at inisip kita,
At bumalik ako sa National Gallery.
Pumunta sa West Wing,
At doon, tumulala ako.

Naliligaw sa kalalakad,
na parang isang feather ng pakpak,
na hindi na makabalik sa ulap,
at hindi na makasama sa paglipad.

Buti na lang naisip ka
sa aking pagkaligaw,
Iniisip na mapapansin mo
ang ulap sa 'yong paglalakbay.

At ninais na isipin ka
habang nakatulala kay Titian,
kay Bronzino at kay Michaelangelo,
at pinili kong isipin ka.

Pinili kong isipin ka,
sa paglalakbay at sa pagkaligaw.
Sa paghahanap ay nadarama ko:
Mahal, mahal na mahal kita.

if he loved you, he'd understand the situation and compromise for the both of you.
if he loved you, he'd go the ends of the earth in search of your love.

if you loved him, you'd follow him down any trodden path, no matter how xomplicated it gets.
if you loved him, you'd listen to everything he said.
if you loved him, you'd fight for him.

if not, breakups are never easy. they are always difficult. anger clouds judgment. and satan loves hatred.

this is how imperfect we are.

god will give me the strength to get thru work all by myself!

i sacrificed my fiance to be a martyr for my mom. there are no further words for this. i would have been screwed either way.

prayer for healing

"Saint Jude, we have problems in our relationship. Beg Almighty God to give us the light to see ourselves and each other as we really are. Help us to grow daily in self-knowledge and mutual love, while at the same time developing our potential to love and be loved. Help us, Saint Jude, to see and root out every manifestation of selfishness, vanity, and childish self-seeking -- those hidden enemies of love and maturity. Show us that by learning to love and being filled with love, we may complement and nurture each other as we share our lives together."

i woke up all of a sudden and bumped my head on the light fixture. it was 347a. it didn't take too long for the grief to overcome me. i welcomed the physical aches and pains. the emptiness and my thorough disdain for long and unyielding extended engagements. just think, how my life could have have been, given the butterfly effect. just one tiny butterfly sacrificed for my sake, what would happen?

(remembering how he would stare at my face when i would pretend to close my eyes. such inner peace i felt then. how blessed the moment.)

i flinch as i remember 1cor 13. enrage courses through my body. i feel robbed. i throw away the love dare book as it mockingly stares back at me. i was 1/2 thru.

how unfortunate the circumstances of life are. broken hearts relinquish hope.

i woke up from cycling dreams. i was giving a puppy an iv. he was giving our friend (she always comes up as a symbol of a current flame) a christmas gift. how fleeting life is. hot liquid flows thru my eyes. toes curled. asthma sets in. my flame is extinguished.

unbelievably so, i still love him. blood is thicker than water and i never knew i loved my family that much till now. i fought for him but he wanted me to deny my parents like that. it took a structural engineer to break down my walls and my being. all that's left are my bones - and love, reborn phoenix-style.

**dear god, now it's just you and me. please guide me to find my path and my calling. you are my roxk, my beginning and my end, to you do i offer my tears. set my anguish free. keep me safe. keep him safe. amen.**

non-apologetic

i feel free-flowing sadness. i find my phone empty and useless. not just a sense of mourning, loneliness, anger, love, resentment, fear and regret - today marks a turning point in my life.

before, we made it thru our issues. it was great. he wss very loving, kind, upbeat, generous and caring.

it's funny how he has the gall to give your engagement an "ultimatum." what the hell kind of word is that, anyways? "i need world peace in the form of our parents both getting along to happen before we get married so i can find my true happiness." my reply could either go one of both ways: "would you like fries with that?" or "kiss my ass no way of that happening because of your prissy/scrappy attitude and non-apologetic behavior."

that rarely happens in real life.

i have given you so much of myself. not complaining- but i guess it wasn't enough. you wouldn't even take the idea of just us two getting married. you want the whole fairytale package. sometimes i wish i could have been all my family members- so you could like and get along with us. i guess i'm not enough for you to even overshadow all the challenges my mom and you have.

my mom only wanted the best for me. she had the right to question your intent, even after the fact. it happens to everybody.

if you had respect for your future MIL, you would have the decency to heed her wish to not invite her sister who accuses her of many grave things to our wedding - even if she was your aunt - not put salt on her wounds by force inviting her. she was really hurt when you did that. you just had to butt in with a topacio fight. you have never seen a confrontation and you never want to. you repeatedly misconstrue my mother's avoidance of talking with teng as pride. but no, it's ironically for peace. teng came to our house once, not to apologize but to act all haughty and act up again. oh well, that doesn't matter anymore now, huh?

words are provoked by actions.

if you were genuinely nice, you would sweep any animosity with your future mil, under the rug and not drag it out. you would be chill and fly under the radar for the sake of the one you love(d).

if you demand your future mil to say sorry and thank you to you all the time, maybe i should print out those words and laminate it.

so many ifs. but i'm not surprised this happened, knowing you. hard-headed, over-analytical, immature, over-bearing at times. rarely takes constructive criticism. his way or the highway. maybe it's a blessing in disguise we never got married.

maybe i pray not for you to understand where i'm coming from, but for you to have the life afforded to you by God, with whomever you deserve.

if all but of happy endings.

back to the drawing board

he wanted healing from both sides before marriage.

he never trusted that it would only come after we were married

- when we could freely advocate for it together, as one unit.

we had so many great times together...

but it all comes down to whether you can work harmoniously together or not despite the parental/familial issues and keep demands to a zero.

*importante talaga ang makahanap ng marunong lumambing sa mother-in-law.

importante din na maayos ang communication niyong dalawa with regards to parents.

~~'~~;<€€€

Pablo Neruda`
from Cien Sonetos de Amor (100 Love Sonnets)
`
XVII
`
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
`
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
`
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
`
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
`
LXVI
`
I do not love you - except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
from waiting to not waiting for you
my heart moves from the cold into
`
the fire. I love you only because it's you
I love; I hate you no end, and hating you
bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
is that I do not see you but love you
`
blindly. Maybe the January light will consume
my heart with its cruel
ray, stealing my key to true
`
calm. In this part of the story I am the one who
dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood.
`
LXXIII
`
Maybe you'll remember that razor-faced man
who slipped out from the dark like a blade
and - before we realized - knew what was there:
he saw the smoke and concluded fire.
`
The pallid woman with black hair
rose like a fish from the abyss,
and the two of them built up a contraption,
armed to the teeth, against love.
`
Man and woman, they felled mountains and gardens,
then went down to the river, they scaled the walls,
they hoisted their atrocious artillery up the hill.
`
Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way.
`
from Veinte Poemas de Amor (20 Poems of Love)
`
XX Tonight I Can Write...
`
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
`
Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
`
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
`
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
`
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
`
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
`
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
`
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
`
What does it matter than my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
`
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
`
My sight searches for me as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
`
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
`
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
`
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
`
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
`
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
`
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
`
`back to poems index