i woke up all of a sudden and bumped my head on the light fixture. it was 347a. it didn't take too long for the grief to overcome me. i welcomed the physical aches and pains. the emptiness and my thorough disdain for long and unyielding extended engagements. just think, how my life could have have been, given the butterfly effect. just one tiny butterfly sacrificed for my sake, what would happen?

(remembering how he would stare at my face when i would pretend to close my eyes. such inner peace i felt then. how blessed the moment.)

i flinch as i remember 1cor 13. enrage courses through my body. i feel robbed. i throw away the love dare book as it mockingly stares back at me. i was 1/2 thru.

how unfortunate the circumstances of life are. broken hearts relinquish hope.

i woke up from cycling dreams. i was giving a puppy an iv. he was giving our friend (she always comes up as a symbol of a current flame) a christmas gift. how fleeting life is. hot liquid flows thru my eyes. toes curled. asthma sets in. my flame is extinguished.

unbelievably so, i still love him. blood is thicker than water and i never knew i loved my family that much till now. i fought for him but he wanted me to deny my parents like that. it took a structural engineer to break down my walls and my being. all that's left are my bones - and love, reborn phoenix-style.

**dear god, now it's just you and me. please guide me to find my path and my calling. you are my roxk, my beginning and my end, to you do i offer my tears. set my anguish free. keep me safe. keep him safe. amen.**